Communication is like a relationship – you need to keep working on it!
Confident in your communication skills? Yeah, right!
The other day, someone came up to my desk and asked a question. Without looking up, or pausing writing that important proposal, I gave a short and “to the point” answer. The person thanked me and went away. And then it struck me – I hadn’t engaged with that person at all, I hadn’t invited her into my space, I hadn’t acknowledged her needs and rights as an individual. Everything about the way I’d communicated with her said “I’m not interested, I haven’t the time, go away!”
Ring any bells? Have you done something like this recently, or has someone done it to you? If the latter, just think for a moment how the response made you feel.
Of course, I’m a communication skills trainer, so know better. Highly practiced and experienced at getting my messages across just right. Or am I?
Given pressures of time, or tiredness after a long day, I think we can all admit to being guilty sometimes for not giving the other person the right amount of acknowledgement.
I’ll never forget one time my daughter Rhiannan was talking to me about something and, although I was listening, I was also reading the paper. Who says men can’t multi-task! Quite quickly, she realised I wasn’t giving her complete attention, and at 8 years of age, children expect peoples’ undivided attention. “Listen with your eyes, Dad” she said. Those words hit me like a brick and I made sure that, from that moment on, she got the attention she deserved!
O.K., so we've looked at closed questions and open questions in the past. We know the instances when these question types would work best. In normal conversation, though, we'll be using both types in order to filter the universe of data into usable information.
Here's an example: I've been asking Rhiannan what she did at school today. There are times when Rhiannan can be as uncommunicative as any child: this was one of them!
"What did you do in school today, Rhian?"
"Nothing much."
"I'm sure you did. Did you do any painting then?"
"Yes."
"Great, you love painting. What did you paint?"
"Lots of trees. We went out on an expedition in the morning and we found out about different types of tree. There are some that drop their leaves in the Autumn and others that don't. All my trees kept their leaves."
"That sounds like fun: where did you go on your outing?"
"Expedition, Dad! We ate our packed lunches there and played in the adventure playground afterwards."
So, we got there in the end! Starting off, though, it looked as though I'd be lucky to get one-word answers.
When that happened, I started to adapt the way I asked Rhiannan about her day. When an open question didn't get the result I wanted, I started again, asking a closed question around a "safe bet" subject: Rhiannan usually does some painting in a school day.
Once I'd got her interest (and her attention), it became easier to stimulate her into giving me the information I wanted. In fact, as we carried on, she went into "information overload" mode, telling my in intricate detail about every conversation she'd had. I needed to bring her back to the moment, and to do that, I used another questioning technique. More of that later, though.
Although we’re familiar with the basic questioning skills, there are other question types we can use. Many are adaptations from the main open/closed question types we all know. However, they all have value and come into their own in different circumstances.
Probing Questions
To the "naked eye", this is another open question. However, look a little closer and you'll realise it is different.
A probing question is an open question that uses information already established in order that we can "drill down" a little further.
Example:
(open question) "Where did you go on holiday last year?"
(answer) "Spain".
(probing question) "What areas of Spain did you visit?"
Direct Question
”TED” questions, that start with phrases like “Tell me”, Explain to me”, “Describe to me”. They can be open or closed, however they all have two things in common:
When posing a direct question, you always use the name of the other person
You pose the question as an instruction.
Think about it: you've been in situations where it seems like you're swimming in tar to get information out of someone. It's "one word answer time"! What you need is something that will get the other person's attention and make her give you the information you need. So a direct question would start with phrases like:
Tell me,.......
Explain to me,.....
Describe to me,.....
You see, by using the other person's name you are in a great position to get her immediate attention, while phrasing the question like an instruction ("tell me" etc) you are subconsciously giving an order.
Example
(open question) "How did you travel to Spain?"
(answer) "I flew"
(direct question) "Tell me, Beki, do you always fly to your holiday destination?"
Hypothetical Question
Right, the salesman's favourite questioning technique! So how does it work?
It's simple. We create a scenario that we know we can deliver on. This is great when we want to close a sale based on a perceived objection. Here's an example of a hypothetical question at work:
(closed question) "So, would you like to make savings on your long distance telephone calls?"
(Yes, we get them in the UK as well!)
(prospect's answer) "No thanks, the company I use is cheap enough for me"
(hypothetical question) O.K., Mr Prospect, if I could show you that we can cut your current telephone bill by at least $10 a month, while you do nothing different, you'd want that saving, wouldn't you?"
Reflective Question
Another powerful variation on the open/closed question theme.
Here's a situation where reflective questions really come into their own:
Imagine you're talking to someone: you need to find out what car they may be interested in buying, so you've asked a few questions about likes and dislikes. Your customer is on a roll:
He's saying, "Air conditioning: I love it! The last three cars I've driven had it as standard and I think the best one of those was the Ford. Mind, even before then, I was specifying air-con as an extra. I remember back in the '70s I was driving one of those huge Rambler Ambassadors, you know, the one where you could open the tailgate or rear window separately, and that had air-con. Couldn't afford to have it running much, though, I'd be lucky to get 6 miles to the gallon." etc etc etc.
Now, we don't want to cut the customer short: in fact, we want him to feel as if we're paying attention to everything he's saying. However, we can't stay around all day listening to his ramblings about the Rambler! So, we use a reflective question:
(reflective question) "Right, so air conditioning is a must, Mr Customer, what else is on the top of your list?"
Straight away, we should be back in control of the conversation. Your customer knows you've been listening, feels that you're on his side and thinks you really want to understand his needs and wants. A result for the both of you!
Of course, you won't always need to use all of these questioning techniques and certainly not in the order shown. However, the diagram does demonstrate how, by using some of these techniques, it is possible to filter data down to the real nuggets of information we are looking for.
When you're next in a situation where you need to get information, or reach agreement, in an interview or controlling a line of questioning, use some of these techniques: they will certainly make your communications more powerful and help you to direct the conversation to your mutual benefit. And, if I keep practicing these skills, maybe next time that person comes to my desk, I’ll be able to engage with her fully and give her the time and effort her question deserves.
Peter Venn is a training and call-centre consultant and the creator/webmaster of www.developlife.com - the new essential destination site for business students, trainers and practitioners.
